


a long time coming, a long time gone

by CapriciousCrab



Series: burden and blame [6]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Card Games, Drinking, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:33:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25315366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CapriciousCrab/pseuds/CapriciousCrab
Summary: “I thought I might find you here.”Dan didn’t bother turning around. He tipped his head back and finished the drink in his glass, then wiped the back of his hand across his lips.“I'm not in the mood for company,” he said roughly.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Series: burden and blame [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1131218
Comments: 11
Kudos: 50





	a long time coming, a long time gone

**Author's Note:**

  * For [yikesola](https://archiveofourown.org/users/yikesola/gifts).



> Happy Birthday, Renee!!

September 10, 1854 

_Dearest Philip,_

_This letter may come as something of a shock to you. I know it has been some time since our last correspondence and perhaps you will not welcome this letter from me now. But I must inform you that your father passed away last Monday. He had been ill for some time and though he did not wish for you to know of his lengthy illness, I feel it would be remiss of me not to tell you of his death._

_I know that I have made many mistakes over the years and have failed you in many ways. I would like to try and make amends, if I may. I would like you to come home, Philip...._

_Affectionately,_

_Mother_

***

He sat alone at the weathered kitchen table, the old gas lamp throwing soft shadows in the corners of the room as he shuffled a well-worn deck of cards in his hands. The cards made a familiar _whirring_ sound as they passed from hand to hand, and when he lifted a glass of whiskey to his lips he could almost imagine himself back in the saloons and gaming halls of the west.

“I thought I might find you here.”

Dan didn’t bother turning around. He tipped his head back and finished the drink in his glass, then wiped the back of his hand across his lips.

“I'm not in the mood for company,” he said roughly.

He listened to the sound of her slippers scuffing across the floorboards and sighed deeply when she sat in the chair across from him. "Mum, can't a man sulk alone?"

Karen laughed quietly. "You always were a brooder."

She settled further in her chair and tightened the belt of her robe. The dim light softened the expression on her face into something fondly exasperated, a look too often found on his own face and cast in Phil's direction.

The thought of Phil soured his mood, and he poured another splash of whiskey into his glass.

“It's like that, is it?” Karen mused. “Well, go on then and pour your old mum a splash and maybe you'll talk to me instead of hiding down here.”

"Mum," he warned, but got up to get another glass. He knew his mother, she wasn't going to leave until she said what she came to say. He might as well let her get on with it.

Dan set the glass down in front of her with a thunk and dropped back into his chair. He watched as she swirled the whiskey in her glass before gesturing toward the cards.

"Shall we play?"

He stared at her incredulously. Dan glanced pointedly at the clock on the mantle, then turned dramatically in his chair to look out of the window at the midnight-dark sky.

"You want to play cards at two o'clock in the morning?" He made a show of stretching across the table and resting his hand against her forehead. "Are you well? Perhaps you should just return to bed."

"Oh dear," she said remorsefully. "I do apologize for offending your delicate sensibilities. Shall I toddle off then?"

"You, ma'am, are a terrible mother," he said with an amused huff. Dan smiled slightly and continued shuffling the cards with a practiced hand. "Do you even know how to play?"

She snorted and took a delicate sip of her whiskey before placing the glass back on the table. "Deal the cards, Daniel."

He dealt. He watched her hands as she deftly scooped them up and rifled them through her fingers. It was a practiced move he had seen countless times.

"Phil's been teaching you," Dan said as he picked up his own cards and leaned back in his chair. "I didn't even know you played Vingt-et-Un."

She hummed as she looked over her cards. "Blackjack, I believe is what Phil said they called it out west?"

Dan snorted out a laugh. The word sounded foreign on her lips. "What else has he been teaching you?"

She flipped over her cards and smiled. "How to beat you at cards. Twenty-one."

"Beginners luck."

He gathered the cards, shuffled, and dealt again. The familiar rhythm was soothing, and he could almost let himself forget the reason he was drinking whiskey alone in the kitchen in the middle of the night. Almost

Karen smiled and tossed back the last of her whiskey like water. "Well, what have you got?"

He flipped his cards. "Seventeen"

Her smile was all teeth. "Eighteen."

Dan folded over and laid his head on the table, defeated. He could hear his mum getting to her feet and gathering the whiskey glasses, settling them into the sink before filling the kettle and placing it on the stove to boil.

Her hand came to rest on the nape of Dan's neck, smoothing down the wild curls there before coming up to thump him on the back of his head.

"Ow!"

He raised his head and glared as he rubbed away the sting. "What the hell was that for?" he asked indignantly.

Karen pulled her chair back out and sat. She gave him a knowing look, then did a little sighing of her own.

"I couldn't help but overhear some of your disagreement with Phil earlier. I stepped away as soon as I could to give you privacy but you were very loud. And very unkind, which is not like you."

Dan squirmed beneath her disappointed gaze. "I'm sorry we disturbed you but you don't understand…"

"No, I don't suppose that I do," she agreed. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Dan sighed. "Phil got a letter from his mother."

And oh, the way his mum's eyes went bright and protective made his chest go warm and tight.

"I see," she said, quiet and fierce.

"His father died."

He registered the soft sound of sympathy his mum made but it didn't stop the flood of words that poured from his mouth.

"She wants him to come home. Says she has regrets and wishes to make amends and that he should come home. It's all _bullshit_!"

He shoved back from the table to pace angrily around the room. He could still see Phil's face, stoic and pale while he read his mother's words, and clenched his fists against the helpless anger he still felt.

"Do you know how long he had been alone before we met? His father disowned him years ago! That man forced him out of his home with nothing but a handful of dollars and the clothes on his back to survive on. And now she wants him to come home like everything Phil went through meant _nothing_!"

He whirled around to face his mum, his chest heaving. He opened his mouth to yell a bit more but the whistling of the kettle made him jump.

His mum made tea with practiced motions while he sat back down at the table and tried to breathe. He leaned into her side when she brought his tea, and she bent down to press a kiss to the top of his head before joining him. They drank their tea in silence and let Dan's emotions settle.

"I know you're angry. But how does Phil feel about all of this?" Karen asked quietly.

Dan blew out a breath. "Sad. Confused. He's angry, too."

"He has every right to be," she agreed.

"Phil says he wants to go. He feels he ought to check up on his mother and make sure she's alright and everything is in good standing now that she's alone. He said maybe it's time to forgive her."

Her face went tight, and he wondered if she was thinking about the things Phil had done in order to survive. Things that still made Phil wake up from a sound sleep with panic sweat dotting his brow.

"I told him that I don't want him to go. That his mother didn't do enough to protect him then, and she certainly doesn't deserve his forgiveness now."

Dan swallowed thickly and took a sip of tea.

"That hurt him and I'm sorry for it. It's the truth and it needed to be said, but I hurt him and I wish I hadn't," he said sadly.

"I'm not saying that your feelings are wrong. Our Phil has been through so much that it is easy to want to shield him from more hurt. But Daniel, that forgiveness is not yours to grant. It belongs to Phil. You mustn’t speak over him like this."

"I know, but- "

Karen shook her head. " _Shush_. Like it or not, that _is_ his mother. Try not to add to his distress by voicing your distaste for her."

Dan felt a pinch of shame.

"He wants me to go with him. I don't know if I can look at her without being angry," he admitted.

"I know," Karen said as she rose and carried her teacup to the sink. "And I don't think Phil is expecting that of you. But he’s going to need you, Daniel. Don't be an obstacle on his path to healing."

She reached up and tugged on the curl falling over his forehead. "Are you done brooding now, love? I'm old and my bones are tired."

"You really are a terrible mother," he said softly before kissing her cheek. "I don't know why I love you."

"I know, dear. I'm quite horrible. But I love you, too. And do wash those cups before heading upstairs, please."

She patted his cheek and left the room. Dan sat at the table for a few moments before rising and rolling up his sleeves. He washed the cups and thought about the preparations that needed to be made.

He was not sending Phil off to face this alone.

***

September 21, 1854 

_Dear Mother,_

_The news about Father certainly came as a shock. I will accept your invitation to come for a visit and will be on the midweek train. I will only be staying long enough to assist you in getting Father's affairs in order as I'm sure you can understand my reluctance._

_I_ _will be bringing a guest with me, my companion Daniel Howell. He has been a very good friend to me and I wish very much for you to meet him._

_Until then,_

_Philip_

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> You can like and reblog [here](https://capriciouscrab.tumblr.com/post/623882462188175360/a-long-time-coming-a-long-time-gone-rating)


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